


The Hellsing Horror Picture Show

by Jubalii



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Inspired by a Movie, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-09
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-05-25 16:01:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6201787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jubalii/pseuds/Jubalii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Come to the lab and see what's on the slab.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Late Night Fanfiction Feature Show / Damn It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ORI: Late Night Double Feature Picture Show/ Damn It, Janet

_A dark screen. Suddenly, a light shines on the right wing entrance. There stands JUJU, a small woman in her early twenties. Her square glasses reflect the light as she looks out over the crowd gathered in the movie theatre. She's dressed in the style of a 1950s malt shop girl, with the addition of a pale pink scarf wrapped snugly around her neck._

_She smiles, teeth glinting in the bright light, and clears her throat._

**Juju**

Hello! Welcome to the show. I have popcorn here for you. Exits are to the left and right, and if you leave the theatre, make sure that you keep your ticket so you can get back in.

 

Tonight, I have a real treat for y'all. I'm going to tell the story of a police girl and her ghostly friend, who were on their way to visit a kindly doctor--well, an old asylum anyway--when they run into a manor full of frights and chills. It's sure to thrill ya!

_Clearing her throat again, she sings._

**Juju**

Enrico Maxwell was quite dead  
The day London lost its head  
He was a foolish boy in the end.

  
And the Captain was there,  
with his bright silver hair  
The Major claimed to be human.  
  
Then something went wrong  
for Rip van Winkle and her throng  
they got caught in an ocean crusade  
  
For at a deadly pace  
with a sinister smile on his face  
a vampire came towards them (on)  
  
Juju's fanfiction double feature  
Ze Doc turns Walter into a creature  
Anderson fights Alucard and  
Integra's mansion is on fire  
oh oh oh  
at the late night fanfiction feature show.....  
  
  
I knew Luke Valentine  
had surely lost his mind  
when he fought Alucard one on one.  
  
And I very nearly cried

When Pip Bernadotte died  
and my _capitaine_ , I thought, was gone.  
  
  
I know my heart screamed  
when Anderson deemed  
that the cause was worth the cost  
  
The battle of "the anime  
is worse than the OVA"  
Leaves me personally at a loss (in)  
  
Juju's fanfiction double feature  
Ze Doc turns Walter into a creature  
Anderson fights Alucard and  
Integra's mansion is on fire  
oh oh ohhhh  
at the late night fanfiction feature show  
  
I wanna go  
to the late night fanfiction feature show

  
in the back row  
at the late night fanfiction feature show

* * *

 

            “ _Mon Dieu! Tu l'as fait!”_ Pip Bernadotte couldn’t shake his old comrade’s hand anymore, but he offered him a very translucent high-five instead. Ralph laughed, shrugging his shoulders as he ran a hand through his pale locks.

            “Well, now that we survived that latest terrorist attack, I felt like it was time to get hitched, ya know?” He shrugged again and looked fondly at his bride, who was talking animatedly to Seras, waving her bouquet in the air as she gushed about the cabin they were planning to spend their honeymoon at.

            “Well, I don’t doubt that in the slightest. Besides, you’ve had your eye on Betty ever since you sat at those lessons we had to take.” Ralph grinned, blushing.

            “Tell you the truth, Captain: she’s the only reason I went. Vampire anatomy is most definitely _not_ my favorite subject, but I still wish Dr. Renfield could have made it today.” He looked longingly at the small congregation that had been able to make it to the wedding—over half of them were Betty’s relations. His family was back in France, and the terrorist attack had killed all but two of the Wild Geese. It had even killed the Captain, but thankfully Seras had been able to pull a loophole, allowing him a literal ghost of a chance to stay on Earth.

            “Yes, _ma cher_ and I are very fond of him. We drove over to see him last vacation. It’s a shame his new job took him away from London.” Pip whistled as Betty threw the bouquet over her shoulder, a sudden breeze lifting the front of the wedding dress to show her garter. Ralph laughed heartily as Seras caught the bouquet on instinct, made a face, and tossed it back into the group of squealing girls.

            “Hey, Captain, it might be your turn next!” Ralph said with a sly wink. Pip chuckled, but shook his head.

            “No, I don’t think so. I’m afraid that _ma cher_ will always be elusive as ever. She thinks of me as a brother, nothing more. Still, a man can dream, can’t he?” Ralph made to clap his captain on the shoulders, but his hand passed through the body as easily as air and he nearly stumbled to the ground. Pip laughed harder and waved as the sheepish man climbed into the car with his new bride. The wedding goers screamed at the top of their lungs, jumping up and down triumphantly as the car drove away. Pip moved to join Seras, who smiled gently at him.

            “Wasn’t it wonderful?” she asked, her voice echoing softly. He couldn’t see her eyes behind the dark sunglasses she wore, but he knew that they would be filled with a wistful longing. As a vampire, she would be forever nineteen. The eternal wish to find someone to grow old with would always be just out of her grasp. He’d never asked how she had become a vampire, but instead had went along with her as his Wild Geese and her D11 troop had tried to take down the terrorist group threatening London. They’d succeeded, but Seras and the two Wild Geese had been the only survivors. And since she was undead, she didn’t really count.

            “ _Oui_ , Ralph’s a lucky man.”

            “Yes…” Seras turned and began walking back towards the church quietly.

            “That Betty is a wonderful cook. I remember eating at her place once when we didn’t go out to the town.”

            “I agree.”

            “And Ralph will be lined up for plenty of promotions after that last mission,” Pip continued on thoughtfully, not paying attention to how little Seras seemed to care about his monologue. Looking up, he realized that she was leaving him behind, walking ahead with the sensual grace that vampirism had given her. “H-hey! Mignonette!”

            “What?” She turned back, raising her glasses to squint at him in the light of the setting sun. “What is it?” she asked again.

            “I’ve got something to say,” he continued slowly.

            “Uh-huh?” she prompted impatiently. “What is it?”

            “I really liked the way…that you and I… performed the other day.”

            “In the warehouse?” she clarified, and he nodded. “So? What of it? You’re my familiar, it’s only natural that we’re good together.”

           “I mean… well….” He stood up straight, his boots clicking together with a ghostly snap. “The river was deep, but we swam it…”

            “Damnit!” she cursed, backing away. “If this is another one of your ‘let’s hook up’—”

            “The future is ours, so let’s plan it—”

            “Pip! Damnit!”

            “No, ma cher, I refuse to can it.” He flashed quicker than a blink through the air to ‘block her exit’. “Ah, Mignonette, _attendez vous_.”

            “ _No_.” Seras marched through him, ignoring the icy air of his pseudo-body on her arms.

            “The road’s been long, but we’ve ran it—”

            “Damnit!” Seras covered her ears.

            “ _There’s fire in our hearts, so let’s fan it_ ,” he sang in her mind.

            _Damnit!_

            “If there’s a fool between us, then I am it—”

            “Damn _it_.”

            “Come on, Seras, _attendez vous_ ….” He followed her, still trying to make her listen. “I know you believe that I’m a joker,”

            “You _are a joker_.” She glared at him, arms crossed.

            “And I’ve done some bad things, it’s true.” She sighed.

            “But together, we’re far from mediocre,” he added quickly, while she was still listening. “And so I’ve a proposition for you—”

            “Look, it’s nice that we get along so well,” Seras cut him off. “But in this respect, I think you’re wrong. I mean, going as far as a song? Damnit, Pip, get a clue.”

            “Oh, _cherie_ ,”

            “Oh, damnit.” She threw her hands in the air, grimacing when he broke into laughter.

“I love you, too.”

            “Shut up, you French pervert.” She looked over her shoulder at him. “Are we going to Dr. Renfield’s, or not?”

            “ _Oui._ Let’s go.”

* * *

_Juju closes the cover of the laptop, arching a brow at the audience._

**Juju**

If I may, I'd like to take you on a strange journey. You see, it seemed a very ordinary night when Seras Victoria and her familiar, Captain Pip Bernadotte (two young-ish, perfectly healthy supernatural creatures), left London that late November evening to visit Dr. R. M. Renfield, ex-tutor and mutual friend.

 

It's true that there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black, and pendulous, towards which they were driving. It's also true that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they, being normal supernatural creatures on a night out, well: They were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out.  
  
It was a night they were going to remember for a very long time.

 


	2. Over at That Creepy Fucking Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ORIG: Over at the Frankenstein Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (bows) Thank you for the lovely reception to this story. I especially enjoyed the cake (bad laughter). Now, on with the show!

_Recap: It is a dark, stormy night (remember, Juju told you this earlier). Seras and Pip are on their way to Carfax Asylum, in order to see their old pal Renfield. Pip annoyed Seras with singing, but they’re back to being best friends… for now._

“Hmm…” Seras peered out the windshield, squinting as she tried to see past the car’s dim headlights. The wiper blades were a blur against the glass, but despite their fast pace the rain still turned the windshield into a virtual waterfall. The road beyond the faint light was dark as night, without even shadows dancing in the trees.

“What is it, _ma cher?_ ” Pip asked, putting down the newspaper he had been reading. His boots left their usual place on the front dash as he leaned forward as well, puffing on his ghostly cigarette as he looked around for whatever had made his partner in crime stop.

“I think…. I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back there,” Seras admitted, biting her lip. Pip shrugged, having not paid any attention to forks in the road. Seras usually was good with directions; if it was up to him to find their way, then they were up the creek without a paddle. “I guess we oughta go on ahead and see if there’s a place to turn around. I don’t want to chance getting stuck in the ditch.”

“Whatever you want,” he agreed, his boots flopping back onto the dash and covering up the airbag as he settled down into the seat. He closed his eye, only to jump as a loud bang echoed in the night around them. It hadn’t been thunder. “What the hell was that?!” he hissed, putting his hand over his heart—though it technically didn’t beat, it could still jump.

“Damn it!” Seras growled under her breath. “We blew a tire. Damn this fucking road,” she cussed as she opened the door and stomped out into the rain, her shadows releasing and coming over her head as a portable, unbreakable umbrella. She examined the tire and then got back into the car, sighing. “I’ll go for help,” she volunteered. “We’re not moving this car any other way.”

“But where will you go?” Pip scoffed. “We’re in the middle of nowhere.” Seras thought for a moment.

“Didn’t we pass a castle down the road a few miles back?” Pip shrugged again, having been too absorbed in the sports section to notice. “Yeah, I slowed down to look at it. It was really fucking creepy. All falling apart,” she muttered to herself as she ran a hand through her hair. “I’m sure I saw a light on in there. Maybe they have a telephone we can use.”

“I’m coming with you,” Pip declared, a hat appearing from nowhere. He jammed it on his head, eye glittering ethereally. “It’s dangerous, a young lady alone in the middle of nowhere.”

“There’s no point in that; you can stay here and watch the car. Flag down any motorists who might have something to help.” He shook his head vehemently.

“No, no, _no_. _Ne discutez pas;_ I’m coming with you. Besides,” he added impishly. “The owner of that castle might be a handsome man and you’ll never come back.” Seras pursed her lips at him, but sighed in submission and nodded as she once more climbed back out into the rain. Her shadows formed over her head, but a sudden motorcycle, lights off, came flying down the road with three people jammed onto the seat. She jumped back with a squawk of surprise; they didn’t even slow, speeding through a puddle and almost hydroplaning. Seras was covered in a wave of muddy water and emerged wet and unamused. Pip guffawed as she dropped the shadows with a string of mumbled curses, letting the rain wash the mud away and soak her clothing even further.

“Come on, cherie. Cheer up. Sing me a little something, please?” he begged when she continued to grumble on their walk up the waterlogged road. She rolled her eyes, but as they turned the bend and she saw a faint, flickering light ahead, she began to sing under her breath.

“ _In the velvet darkness of the blackest night, burning bright…”_ she pushed a pine tree’s branch out of her way. “ _There’s a guiding star…”_ She laughed despite herself, shaking her head. “No matter what or who you are,” she spoke aloud, pointing at a sign half covered by branches. It read, oddly enough, _ALL BLOOD TYPES ACCEPTED HERE._ The light ahead grew brighter, guiding them towards the—pillar? steeple?—that it burned in.

“There’s a light,” Pip pointed out, noticing it now. Seras nodded.

“ _Over at that creepy castle_ ,” she harmonized. There were soft strains of song that whispered to her in the breeze, barely audible over the sounds of the rain pattering in the forest leaves. It came from her own shadows, it seemed, and from other shadows in the forest. Ones that she couldn’t quite see.

“ _There’s a light_ ,” Pip sang back, winking at her and trying to worm his arm around her waist. She moved ahead, still listening to the voices and trying to see where they were coming from. _Burning in the fireplace,_ it whispered invitingly, calling out. “ _Cher_? Seras?” he called, but she was ahead of him now, almost transfixed.  

“ _There’s a light, a light in the darkness of my life_ ,” she whispered back, and heard faint laughter.

“ _I can see a flag flying_ ,” Pip noted, finally catching up to her. “ _Flying through the rain, but still the same, there’s got to be something helpful there for you and me_.” Something red glowed beside him in the night and he jumped towards the vampiress, pointing nervously. “ _There’s a light_ —”

“ _Over at that creepy fucking castle_ ,” Seras murmured, head tilting as she gazed at it. It called to her like the moon called, soft and glowing. And still the voices were calling, calling—

_There’s a light, burning in the fireplace… there’s a light, there’s a light in the darkness of everyone’s life…._

“Do you hear someone else talking?” Pip asked, a bit fearfully, and this time there was a real voice, not a whisper, calling out into the night.

“ _Ze darkness must go, down ze river of night’s dreaming, flow blood slow, bring in ze sun und light, come streaming to our lives_.”

“They have a nice voice,” he said when the last wavering strains disappeared into the night. Seras smiled, simply going along with it, as they finally reached the front gates. There was a bolt of lightning that cracked a little too close for comfort; Seras squeaked in alarm, looking around as though expecting to be electrocuted at any moment. Pip chuckled at her, and somewhere around them other voices giggled softly on the wind.

“Oh, let’s go back already,” Seras grumbled. “I’d rather walk to Dr. Renfield’s. I’m cold and this place creeps me out.”

“Just a moment,” Pip protested. “We’re already here, and they might have a telephone that we can use.” He managed to solidify one finger after a moment of intense concentration, ringing the doorbell. There was no answer, though they heard it echo into the castle beyond the rotting wooden door. “Why does a castle have a doorbell?” he joked as they waited, rain going through his body and bouncing off her nose from the gutter fallout. She frowned sternly at him, reaching through his neck to ring the doorbell twice in quick succession. At last the door opened, slowly, and a lantern was shone in their faces.

Squinting, Seras saw a woman about her own height, with closely cropped hair and dark, round glasses that reminded her, oddly enough, of John Lennon. The woman looked over the rims of these glasses, past their bodies, as if trying to see someone beyond them or standing just behind them. Finally she turned her eyes first to the Captain’s ghostly shell, then to Seras, soaked to the bone. She opened her mouth, slowly, and Seras expected to hear the hinges of her jaw creaking.

“Hallo,” she said in a bland, dull voice, thick with a German accent. Pip smiled cheerfully.

“Eh, erm.... _Guten tag_ ,” he responded hesitantly. “We’re in a bit of a spot; our car’s broken down about two miles back. Do you have a telephone we might could use?” he asked, with every effort at politeness. The German’s nose flared as she looked them over once more.

“You’re wet,” she said after a pause. Seras butted in before Pip could reply, though the latter was too bewildered to say much in the first place.

“Yes,” she enunciated coldly. “It’s _raining_.” She was beyond irritated, speaking to the stranger as one speaks to a dimwitted child.

“Yes,” the German repeated musingly, turning her face up to the rain. The lightning flashed, illuminating her glasses a split-second before the thunder rolled. “I think you both had better come inside.” Seras smiled tightly as she stepped over the threshold, past the hand waving her in.

“You’re too kind,” she said to the German, who laughed in a low voice.

“ _You’re too kind_ ,” she mimicked cruelly, and the formless voices still outside the door laughed as well.

_Blackout, Juju appears in the spotlight. Sniffing once, she holds her open laptop balanced on one arm._

And so, after braving the inclement weather, and some not too little time, it seemed that fortune had smiled upon Pip and Seras and that they had found their assistance that their plight required—or had they? There was certainly something about this castle—to which a flat tire and a wet night had brought them—that made the both of them uneasy, but if they were to reach their destination that night, they would have to ignore such feelings and take advantage of each--, of whatever _help_ was offered.

 _Juju winks before walking offstage._  

 


End file.
